When things are bad.
When she doesn't want to be cheered up...
I don't just give in to Kathy's mood.
Instead I try to say or do something that tickles her, slightly, unexpectedly.
The corners of her mouth turn up and she raises her eyes to mine.
It's a little victory.
That is, until Kathy notices me noticing, then the mood that doesn't want to go away comes back,
and still I smile inside.
If this was an attitude without cause, an ignorant anger,
I would be less tolerant.
If I didn't care to make things better.
If this was another case of someone being wrong in their behavior.
At my best I can regard the shortcomings of others with polite incredulity.
This thing with Kathy is different.
Any doubts that you may have, would be erased if you saw the fact finding mission she undertook to see where her pain level is at without the pain meds masking it.
I'll tell you what, this is one tough girl.
To endure this, to know it is not over, the uncertainty of what the future will bring...
I saw this thing happen to the girl of my dreams.
I am seeing the ripples, from the boulder that splashed our lives, continue to disturb our tranquility.
Big enough to prevent a smooth finish,
but not big enough to surf on.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
determined to keep the sun
Depression is easier to cure than endure.
This is why I'm doing everything I can think of to show Kathy that this isn't going to define her.
It definitely isn't going to last forever!
Not like this.
Not on my watch.
I must admit though, that some days it feels like all the kings men are either lazy or union members.
Taking too many breaks.
Taking too long to put the pieces back together again.
The cost of waiting is too high some days and it is all we can do to distract Kathy until all is well.
While she waits, I am a robot.
Working to show Kathy that the plan was always to give her the option of staying home if she wants.
Jobs are flying through me like an assembly line, the inspiration for my focus is to prove to Kathy that things will be okay.
Better than okay, things will be great!
My customers have been loyal and are being rewarded for it.
I am setting things up to accomodate my eldest son, who is trained to be a service technician and returning from Afghanistan in February.
As I hire good qualified people, I will be able to spend more time at home with Kathy (or more time in the Bahamas with Kathy!).
One of my favorite things about Kathy is the way she experiences new things, like a child, full of trust and wonder.
When you get straight to the heart of the matter,
that is why I work so hard,
to be with Kathy and have the means to keep the wonder in her eyes.
This is why I'm doing everything I can think of to show Kathy that this isn't going to define her.
It definitely isn't going to last forever!
Not like this.
Not on my watch.
I must admit though, that some days it feels like all the kings men are either lazy or union members.
Taking too many breaks.
Taking too long to put the pieces back together again.
The cost of waiting is too high some days and it is all we can do to distract Kathy until all is well.
While she waits, I am a robot.
Working to show Kathy that the plan was always to give her the option of staying home if she wants.
Jobs are flying through me like an assembly line, the inspiration for my focus is to prove to Kathy that things will be okay.
Better than okay, things will be great!
My customers have been loyal and are being rewarded for it.
I am setting things up to accomodate my eldest son, who is trained to be a service technician and returning from Afghanistan in February.
As I hire good qualified people, I will be able to spend more time at home with Kathy (or more time in the Bahamas with Kathy!).
One of my favorite things about Kathy is the way she experiences new things, like a child, full of trust and wonder.
When you get straight to the heart of the matter,
that is why I work so hard,
to be with Kathy and have the means to keep the wonder in her eyes.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
a planless plan
It's already Christmas!
The house is asleep, but I'm still up waiting for the paint to dry.
Really, I really AM waiting for the paint to dry.
I should've been working on this two weeks ago!
I am finishing the refinishing touches on an antique safe I got for Kathy.
I'm making an eighty year old safe rust free and look more girly.
Cary, Buffalo NY, the company that made this safe was in business from 1878-1929.
It's not easy to make a block the size of a dishwasher that weighs 850 pounds (no joke) look cute.
Especially with the little time I've had available to work on it.
I had a different safe in mind originally, but wanted a safe that no one else has (like everyone has a safe!).
This one is a cartoon safe - like what gets dropped on Wile E. Coyote!
Except it's not black or rusty anymore.
So, while I'm staying up waiting to put a clear coat on, I thought I'd keep this blog from dying.
Speaking of dying, I already got my Christmas present when Kathy lived through that crash in October.
Has it only/already been 70 days since the accident?
So why a safe?
I like to keep Kathy guessing, but I hope she connects a bunch of symbolism when she sees it.
Your ridiculously corny alarm should be going off about now!!!
It's a place to keep things that are valuable to her - like my heart.
She's safe and protected.
Even though things are surprisingly heavy sometimes, we're solid - like 850 lbs of solid!
It's remarkable & impressive - like the girl who's getting it!
Besides, nobody else has a safe like this one!
I don't think Kathy can hate it, because it's such an unusual gift.
Alright, she CAN hate it, but I don't think she will.
Is that paint dry?
I'm rambling.
Gotta go.
Merry Christmas!
The house is asleep, but I'm still up waiting for the paint to dry.
Really, I really AM waiting for the paint to dry.
I should've been working on this two weeks ago!
I am finishing the refinishing touches on an antique safe I got for Kathy.
I'm making an eighty year old safe rust free and look more girly.
Cary, Buffalo NY, the company that made this safe was in business from 1878-1929.
It's not easy to make a block the size of a dishwasher that weighs 850 pounds (no joke) look cute.
Especially with the little time I've had available to work on it.
I had a different safe in mind originally, but wanted a safe that no one else has (like everyone has a safe!).
This one is a cartoon safe - like what gets dropped on Wile E. Coyote!
Except it's not black or rusty anymore.
So, while I'm staying up waiting to put a clear coat on, I thought I'd keep this blog from dying.
Speaking of dying, I already got my Christmas present when Kathy lived through that crash in October.
Has it only/already been 70 days since the accident?
So why a safe?
I like to keep Kathy guessing, but I hope she connects a bunch of symbolism when she sees it.
Your ridiculously corny alarm should be going off about now!!!
It's a place to keep things that are valuable to her - like my heart.
She's safe and protected.
Even though things are surprisingly heavy sometimes, we're solid - like 850 lbs of solid!
It's remarkable & impressive - like the girl who's getting it!
Besides, nobody else has a safe like this one!
I don't think Kathy can hate it, because it's such an unusual gift.
Alright, she CAN hate it, but I don't think she will.
Is that paint dry?
I'm rambling.
Gotta go.
Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Don't touch that dial
Only a few days until Christmas!
Just wanted to let you know Kathy is still alive and getting stronger every day!
Super busy right now, but will catch you all up as soon as we get a minute.
Haven't set a deadline for walking yet.
I'm told we shouldn't try that until she can stand on both legs first.
Maybe a New Years Resolution?
Since we used all our bad luck up this year, next year is going to be AWESOME!
Just wanted to let you know Kathy is still alive and getting stronger every day!
Super busy right now, but will catch you all up as soon as we get a minute.
Haven't set a deadline for walking yet.
I'm told we shouldn't try that until she can stand on both legs first.
Maybe a New Years Resolution?
Since we used all our bad luck up this year, next year is going to be AWESOME!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
send whiskey and fresh horses
It doesn't help that,
during this painful and ongoing process,
I am gone so much,
having to work.
Kathy is extremely bummed at me for being gone all the time.
She's right you know.
I haven't spent a full day just hanging with My Girl since I brought her home!
During the month after the accident I missed three weeks of getting jobs completed.
As soon as we came home the cold weather hit.
I was already buried at work from missing so much time away.
The heating/cooling business is not one to make people wait on you.
There are too many HVAC shops in this valley to expect people to wrap up a week or two until you get done with personal stuff.
That's a good way to lose customers!
So, here I am working like I never have in my life.
That's a good way to lose my wife!
I'm trying to grow this new business AND take care of My Girl!
Except, the most important part of taking care of Kathy is being here with her.
I can't win in either area without sacrificing the other.
Can't win completely anyway.
I keep asking for patience from Kathy in this, like she hasn't been so patient already, like days don't turn into weeks and months.
Her friends are tremendous in all the help they give me, but in Kathy's words, they can't babysit all the time.
It's not fair to ask.
It's also not fair that an Angel like Kathy is grounded (temporarily).
AND it's not fair that the success of my business competes directly with the success of my relationship.
I keep going back to what I've always told my boys growing up -
"Whoever told you life was fair, lied to you."
I am well aware of this and have never complained about it or quit making it better.
I won't start now.
This is no time to be still.
during this painful and ongoing process,
I am gone so much,
having to work.
Kathy is extremely bummed at me for being gone all the time.
She's right you know.
I haven't spent a full day just hanging with My Girl since I brought her home!
During the month after the accident I missed three weeks of getting jobs completed.
As soon as we came home the cold weather hit.
I was already buried at work from missing so much time away.
The heating/cooling business is not one to make people wait on you.
There are too many HVAC shops in this valley to expect people to wrap up a week or two until you get done with personal stuff.
That's a good way to lose customers!
So, here I am working like I never have in my life.
That's a good way to lose my wife!
I'm trying to grow this new business AND take care of My Girl!
Except, the most important part of taking care of Kathy is being here with her.
I can't win in either area without sacrificing the other.
Can't win completely anyway.
I keep asking for patience from Kathy in this, like she hasn't been so patient already, like days don't turn into weeks and months.
Her friends are tremendous in all the help they give me, but in Kathy's words, they can't babysit all the time.
It's not fair to ask.
It's also not fair that an Angel like Kathy is grounded (temporarily).
AND it's not fair that the success of my business competes directly with the success of my relationship.
I keep going back to what I've always told my boys growing up -
"Whoever told you life was fair, lied to you."
I am well aware of this and have never complained about it or quit making it better.
I won't start now.
This is no time to be still.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
cuz it's what Tiggers do best!
The ups and downs of Kathy's new life situation are taxing to be sure, however I'm not sure that there isn't a full recovery in this.
Try as she might, Kathy can't seem to convince me otherwise.
The helplessness, of waiting for time to heal, plays on Kathy's resolve.
It is counter intuitive for a person of action.
You'd think being in the medical field and knowing that time heals would make it easier for her to wait.
I think Kathy is like a rabbit.
Not just because she is cute and cuddly, but because a rabbit gets eaten by the big bad wolf if it stops running.
If she can't stop AND she can't run, what's a rabbit to do?
Kathy waits day in and day out, for her ability to run to return.
Watching her muscles fade as she hides out, feeling the big bad wolf creep closer and closer.
It must be a maddening kind of crazy.
Friendly faces can distract and make noises that drive the big bad wolf away, but friendly faces can't always be here.
Some days it's like tuning into a National Geographic show, where you can't bear to watch as the predator nears its weak and helpless prey.
So far those days keep surprising me with unexpected victories.
Like when a crocodile has a baby antelope in it's grasp, and suddenly it gets free and runs away to the safety of it's herd.
It is definitely a reflection of Kathy's inner strength.
The way she keeps rebounding. Keeps bouncing back from the abyss.
It will startle a few when Kathy bounces from where she is at and runs full speed to safety.
It will startle a few, maybe even herself, but not me.
I am still convinced she will.
Try as she might, Kathy can't seem to convince me otherwise.
The helplessness, of waiting for time to heal, plays on Kathy's resolve.
It is counter intuitive for a person of action.
You'd think being in the medical field and knowing that time heals would make it easier for her to wait.
I think Kathy is like a rabbit.
Not just because she is cute and cuddly, but because a rabbit gets eaten by the big bad wolf if it stops running.
If she can't stop AND she can't run, what's a rabbit to do?
Kathy waits day in and day out, for her ability to run to return.
Watching her muscles fade as she hides out, feeling the big bad wolf creep closer and closer.
It must be a maddening kind of crazy.
Friendly faces can distract and make noises that drive the big bad wolf away, but friendly faces can't always be here.
Some days it's like tuning into a National Geographic show, where you can't bear to watch as the predator nears its weak and helpless prey.
So far those days keep surprising me with unexpected victories.
Like when a crocodile has a baby antelope in it's grasp, and suddenly it gets free and runs away to the safety of it's herd.
It is definitely a reflection of Kathy's inner strength.
The way she keeps rebounding. Keeps bouncing back from the abyss.
It will startle a few when Kathy bounces from where she is at and runs full speed to safety.
It will startle a few, maybe even herself, but not me.
I am still convinced she will.
Friday, December 16, 2011
sticky sweet, like molasses
Yeah.
The things I say to Kathy are pretty corny (as in corn syrup), but if you've been around us long, you know I don't stop, it isn't for show and it IS from my heart.
What can I say?
She keeps me inspired. It's not hard to be imaginative when I'm always trying to impress her.
Even if it didn't get her attention, I would still tell Kathy sweet things because I know it SHOULD get her attention!
Oh and that's not ALL I do to show her what she means to me.
I send her texts whenever she is at work, hide the occasional card, give her rub downs, call whe... HEY! If it has a chance of impressing her, I'M DOING IT!
I don't think this should get my Man Card pulled.
In my defense, what you should also know (Guys listen up), is that Kathy impresses ME all the time too!
She is so damn Cute and Sexy!
She shares my new adventures, I get my own rub downs, she makes great food, is classy without pretence, smart, empathetic, tough... I can go on and on!
Let me just say, I get LOTS and LOTS of jellybeans!
I don't think I'll ever get the gushing over this girl out of my system.
I hope I never do.
Guys, when you meet someone who makes YOU feel like Kathy makes ME feel,
you better not take any chances of her getting away!
Sweep her off her feet and don't ever stop getting her attention.
Unless it's Kathy and you should just move along.
Cuz she's MINE... and forever is a long time to wait!
The things I say to Kathy are pretty corny (as in corn syrup), but if you've been around us long, you know I don't stop, it isn't for show and it IS from my heart.
What can I say?
She keeps me inspired. It's not hard to be imaginative when I'm always trying to impress her.
Even if it didn't get her attention, I would still tell Kathy sweet things because I know it SHOULD get her attention!
Oh and that's not ALL I do to show her what she means to me.
I send her texts whenever she is at work, hide the occasional card, give her rub downs, call whe... HEY! If it has a chance of impressing her, I'M DOING IT!
I don't think this should get my Man Card pulled.
In my defense, what you should also know (Guys listen up), is that Kathy impresses ME all the time too!
She is so damn Cute and Sexy!
She shares my new adventures, I get my own rub downs, she makes great food, is classy without pretence, smart, empathetic, tough... I can go on and on!
Let me just say, I get LOTS and LOTS of jellybeans!
I don't think I'll ever get the gushing over this girl out of my system.
I hope I never do.
Guys, when you meet someone who makes YOU feel like Kathy makes ME feel,
you better not take any chances of her getting away!
Sweep her off her feet and don't ever stop getting her attention.
Unless it's Kathy and you should just move along.
Cuz she's MINE... and forever is a long time to wait!
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