I can tell by the sound of her voice as soon as we begin to talk.
I can tell when she is in pain.
It's as it should be.
The knowing I mean, not the pain.
It's starting to feel like I'm dragging this out.
It's unintentional, I assure you.
It is a reflection of the real life we live.
Sugar-coating it will give a false impression.
So will refusing to acknowledge improvement.
We had a great night out on St. Patrick's day.
Kathy wore shoes on both of her feet for the first time.
Danced for the first time since the accident...
And paid the price.
As impressive as it was to everyone who saw Kathy out,
(and it was impressive)
by the time we drove home, Kathy could barely make it into the house.
Still, It is almost like I could write an instruction for you to reference previous posts and save time for us all.
Kathy is getting better.
Long way to go still.
For the next few months, rewind and reread those two sentences daily.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
the past drip, drip, drips into our future
The past has a way of intruding.
Whether it is bad decisions that come back to haunt, poor preparation (read the story of the grasshopper and the ant), youthful indiscretions, regrets that roost out of reach and forever crow the story to all who listen, or simply an accident, the results of which never, N E V E R go away completely.
Kathy and I both lay claim to our pasts. It's one of the many things I like about her. Good or bad, she owns it without pretence. I freely admit to having some regrets, but they are most likely not the moments in my past you are thinking of.
I like who I am.
I like who Kathy is, a lot.
Do I think Kathy would choose the right decisions in my life, that I would change if I could?
Probably a couple, the ones I have shared.
Could I choose hers?
How much different would we be if we always made the right decisions?
Would we even recognize ourselves?
What put this thought in my mind, is seeing how Kathy is rebounding so well.
Truly inspiring.
I already adored her, then she went and earned my admiration as well.
I admire her strength and resolve and... she's a girl! A GIRL!?!
(I'm just being honest here).
A moment in time on a motorcycle, becomes the catalyst that perculates into the rest of our lives. Changing the course as sure as a train switch changes the direction of the tracks.
I know people who would let this be;
THE defining moment that excuses so much living left to do.
That's where I gained my admiration for Kathy.
She didn't, and doesn't, see her shattered legs as the new direction of her life.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the motorcycle crash is not Kathy's biggest regret in life.
(although I can't tell you of any bad decisions with a bigger impact)
Mostly because, in the long run, it isn't going to change her life all that much.
Kathy's injuries will fade, but not go completely away.
I hope eventually, they are barely more than a nuisance, like the sink that leaks in the other room even after the washers are changed. An occasional drip that becomes easier to ignore as more important things in life grab her attention.
You'll have to find out where we're having fun at, cuz no one is staying home feeling sorry for themselves around here! (easy for me to say, huh?)
Seriously, there is too much to do to be worried about a drip.
Whether it is bad decisions that come back to haunt, poor preparation (read the story of the grasshopper and the ant), youthful indiscretions, regrets that roost out of reach and forever crow the story to all who listen, or simply an accident, the results of which never, N E V E R go away completely.
Kathy and I both lay claim to our pasts. It's one of the many things I like about her. Good or bad, she owns it without pretence. I freely admit to having some regrets, but they are most likely not the moments in my past you are thinking of.
I like who I am.
I like who Kathy is, a lot.
Do I think Kathy would choose the right decisions in my life, that I would change if I could?
Probably a couple, the ones I have shared.
Could I choose hers?
How much different would we be if we always made the right decisions?
Would we even recognize ourselves?
What put this thought in my mind, is seeing how Kathy is rebounding so well.
Truly inspiring.
I already adored her, then she went and earned my admiration as well.
I admire her strength and resolve and... she's a girl! A GIRL!?!
(I'm just being honest here).
A moment in time on a motorcycle, becomes the catalyst that perculates into the rest of our lives. Changing the course as sure as a train switch changes the direction of the tracks.
I know people who would let this be;
THE defining moment that excuses so much living left to do.
That's where I gained my admiration for Kathy.
She didn't, and doesn't, see her shattered legs as the new direction of her life.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the motorcycle crash is not Kathy's biggest regret in life.
(although I can't tell you of any bad decisions with a bigger impact)
Mostly because, in the long run, it isn't going to change her life all that much.
Kathy's injuries will fade, but not go completely away.
I hope eventually, they are barely more than a nuisance, like the sink that leaks in the other room even after the washers are changed. An occasional drip that becomes easier to ignore as more important things in life grab her attention.
You'll have to find out where we're having fun at, cuz no one is staying home feeling sorry for themselves around here! (easy for me to say, huh?)
Seriously, there is too much to do to be worried about a drip.
time for thought
It's storming outside.
I should be doing work proposals.
It's 2:23 A.M.
Everyone in the house is sleeping.
I should be sleeping.
Kathy printed off all the posts in this blog sight and put the pages in a folder.
It makes me feel like she thinks I may be almost done with this.
That makes me want to write more.
Not like the way you kiss someone more when they are leaving,
no, because honestly, as Kathy gets better, I am not as driven to tell what is happening.
Right now, I hear rain outside.
There was a time recently, when the rain was inside this house.
It seemed like the sun may never shine again.
It's nice to know the comfort killing cold darkness is again beyond these walls.
It is warm and quiet here.
I am still aware of the need to be careful.
Still, now I pick Kathy up and carry her without worrying that I will hurt her.
I do it even when she is trying to walk on her own.
I think I'll miss carrying her everywhere.
No one ever talks about how good things are.
It's much more interesting to complain.
Being in the storm demands action.
When the storm is gone, all you can do is relax and enjoy it.
Now that I think of it, THAT'S a great idea!
I should be doing work proposals.
It's 2:23 A.M.
Everyone in the house is sleeping.
I should be sleeping.
Kathy printed off all the posts in this blog sight and put the pages in a folder.
It makes me feel like she thinks I may be almost done with this.
That makes me want to write more.
Not like the way you kiss someone more when they are leaving,
no, because honestly, as Kathy gets better, I am not as driven to tell what is happening.
Right now, I hear rain outside.
There was a time recently, when the rain was inside this house.
It seemed like the sun may never shine again.
It's nice to know the comfort killing cold darkness is again beyond these walls.
It is warm and quiet here.
I am still aware of the need to be careful.
Still, now I pick Kathy up and carry her without worrying that I will hurt her.
I do it even when she is trying to walk on her own.
I think I'll miss carrying her everywhere.
No one ever talks about how good things are.
It's much more interesting to complain.
Being in the storm demands action.
When the storm is gone, all you can do is relax and enjoy it.
Now that I think of it, THAT'S a great idea!
one today is worth two tomorrows
I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore.
Due partly to the lack of regular updates, and partly due to a natural need to move on once you are over the intense initial shock of an unexpected horrible occurance.
I see, what? Like 45 or so followers?
I think it's just people who signed up when Kathy was in the Land-of-not-knowing
(if she was going to "make it" or not).
Well, if you haven't been reading the few posts I've managed lately, or seen with your own eyes in person, Kathy "made it"!
Her big coming out event was at the silent auction for Madrone Trail Charter School.
It was kind of unintentional, as we left the house without her crutches
(that's right, if you haven't read this in awhile, she's been crutching it!)
Kathy has also been stepping more and more on that left leg of hers
(I grit my teeth everytime she does, for her, imagining how it must feel).
Like she has cankles, she says, but looking down at her calf & ankle, it looks as normal as can be expected.
Like her foot & lower leg is asleep, with a bunch of layers on, making it so you can tell something is going on down there, just not what exactly.
Like the constant dull ache of a toothache in your foot, knee & leg, with unexpected sharp pains to remind you to say your prayers.
Still, things are getting better.
Way better than I could've hoped for this soon.
Cutting the tendons below her toes on her left foot has helped a lot!
It's a bit strange to think that, while my toes are for sprinting up hills, Kathy's toes are only for looking cute.
No more getting stuck in the deep rut.
The lows are more like dips on our way to better times.
(why do I feel the need to knock on wood right now?)
Seriously, I wouldn't trade these days away.
Being with her, as Kathy's smile becomes a regular part of our lives again...
This is getting long.
I thought, if anyone still reads this they may be wondering how Kathy is doing...
Kathy is doing great!
If she herself ever starts to wonder, I tell her the same thing.
As always, Kathy is exceptional by any measure!
Due partly to the lack of regular updates, and partly due to a natural need to move on once you are over the intense initial shock of an unexpected horrible occurance.
I see, what? Like 45 or so followers?
I think it's just people who signed up when Kathy was in the Land-of-not-knowing
(if she was going to "make it" or not).
Well, if you haven't been reading the few posts I've managed lately, or seen with your own eyes in person, Kathy "made it"!
Her big coming out event was at the silent auction for Madrone Trail Charter School.
It was kind of unintentional, as we left the house without her crutches
(that's right, if you haven't read this in awhile, she's been crutching it!)
Kathy has also been stepping more and more on that left leg of hers
(I grit my teeth everytime she does, for her, imagining how it must feel).
Like she has cankles, she says, but looking down at her calf & ankle, it looks as normal as can be expected.
Like her foot & lower leg is asleep, with a bunch of layers on, making it so you can tell something is going on down there, just not what exactly.
Like the constant dull ache of a toothache in your foot, knee & leg, with unexpected sharp pains to remind you to say your prayers.
Still, things are getting better.
Way better than I could've hoped for this soon.
Cutting the tendons below her toes on her left foot has helped a lot!
It's a bit strange to think that, while my toes are for sprinting up hills, Kathy's toes are only for looking cute.
No more getting stuck in the deep rut.
The lows are more like dips on our way to better times.
(why do I feel the need to knock on wood right now?)
Seriously, I wouldn't trade these days away.
Being with her, as Kathy's smile becomes a regular part of our lives again...
This is getting long.
I thought, if anyone still reads this they may be wondering how Kathy is doing...
Kathy is doing great!
If she herself ever starts to wonder, I tell her the same thing.
As always, Kathy is exceptional by any measure!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
I am not a runner anymore
Not like that.
Not like I was.
None of us are, not really.
I know this post is about Kathy, but it feels odd to write about someone else,
so I usually put a "from Ted perspective" on it.
Two years ago I stopped coaching wrestling. Not because I didn't love to coach (I did, and still do), but because I started my own business, got married, moved into a new home, and melted my family into one. I didn't have the time.
I also stopped running.
Even when I was busy before, in addition to all the running we would do in practices (yes, I run when the kids run - what kind of a coach do you think I am?), I would run late at night.
Believe it or not, I liked it enough to enter local races (Crater Lake, Pear Blossom, etc).
If you run, or have run regularly, you know how great you feel during and after a good run.
Soon after starting it, I found that having a business takes up ALL your daylight hours and a lot of your nighttime ones as well. The conditioning I worked so hard to keep, but also took for granted because I always had it, is gone.
Fast forward to now.
We are coming up on four months since the accident.
Obviously, Kathy has not run since then.
For the first time since her accident, I went for a run by myself.
I've been on a few little ones with my son to help him lose weight for his wrestling weigh ins the next day. This one wasn't much longer than those, but felt different.
It's not the rubbery legs or difficulty getting into a rhythm, so I could catch my second wind, that was so shocking, it was how guilt crept in during the run.
I had no one to talk to, so I thought my thoughts.
I have never felt guilty for working out in my life!
I left Kathy sleeping and went for a run. No big deal, right?
As I ran, I'm thinking of ways she can go with me.
If Kathy's legs allow for her to ride a bike (she wouldn't laugh if I wrote "with training wheels" here).
She is way too competitive to let herself get sloppy.
She is way too proud to let me push her in a chair like she is incapable.
We have a pool. Swimming is a great way to work out!
There are lots of ways to get and stay in shape!
Kathy says she will never climb Mt. McLaughlin again (a semi- annual event for me and my boys).
I think she will.
The most recent setback is; the tendons below her toes have no counter force tendons on top to prevent Kathy's toes from curling under into claws. She will have to have the tendons cut to relieve her toe strain before permanent damage to the joints occurs (if it hasn't already). This will also make it so she can never push down with her toes again.
Running is definitely out of the question.
Still, she has made amazing recovery so far.
I can't imagine Kathy being left out of anything fun that we do.
As long as we can keep her on board to live life big (like she has always done!), she can still do it all with us.
I wouldn't count her out for anything she sets her mind to.
I know Kathy may never run again,
but every time I look at her she can still run away with my heart.
Not like I was.
None of us are, not really.
I know this post is about Kathy, but it feels odd to write about someone else,
so I usually put a "from Ted perspective" on it.
Two years ago I stopped coaching wrestling. Not because I didn't love to coach (I did, and still do), but because I started my own business, got married, moved into a new home, and melted my family into one. I didn't have the time.
I also stopped running.
Even when I was busy before, in addition to all the running we would do in practices (yes, I run when the kids run - what kind of a coach do you think I am?), I would run late at night.
Believe it or not, I liked it enough to enter local races (Crater Lake, Pear Blossom, etc).
If you run, or have run regularly, you know how great you feel during and after a good run.
Soon after starting it, I found that having a business takes up ALL your daylight hours and a lot of your nighttime ones as well. The conditioning I worked so hard to keep, but also took for granted because I always had it, is gone.
Fast forward to now.
We are coming up on four months since the accident.
Obviously, Kathy has not run since then.
For the first time since her accident, I went for a run by myself.
I've been on a few little ones with my son to help him lose weight for his wrestling weigh ins the next day. This one wasn't much longer than those, but felt different.
It's not the rubbery legs or difficulty getting into a rhythm, so I could catch my second wind, that was so shocking, it was how guilt crept in during the run.
I had no one to talk to, so I thought my thoughts.
I have never felt guilty for working out in my life!
I left Kathy sleeping and went for a run. No big deal, right?
As I ran, I'm thinking of ways she can go with me.
If Kathy's legs allow for her to ride a bike (she wouldn't laugh if I wrote "with training wheels" here).
She is way too competitive to let herself get sloppy.
She is way too proud to let me push her in a chair like she is incapable.
We have a pool. Swimming is a great way to work out!
There are lots of ways to get and stay in shape!
Kathy says she will never climb Mt. McLaughlin again (a semi- annual event for me and my boys).
I think she will.
The most recent setback is; the tendons below her toes have no counter force tendons on top to prevent Kathy's toes from curling under into claws. She will have to have the tendons cut to relieve her toe strain before permanent damage to the joints occurs (if it hasn't already). This will also make it so she can never push down with her toes again.
Running is definitely out of the question.
Still, she has made amazing recovery so far.
I can't imagine Kathy being left out of anything fun that we do.
As long as we can keep her on board to live life big (like she has always done!), she can still do it all with us.
I wouldn't count her out for anything she sets her mind to.
I know Kathy may never run again,
but every time I look at her she can still run away with my heart.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
and all over the children dance!!!
Ever have one of those moments where you pinch yourself to make sure that what you are seeing is real?
I haven't actually yet seen children dancing everywhere, but I did see Kathy walk a few steps!
I don't know if you heard me right.
I said, "I did see Kathy walk a few steps!"
She isn't supposed to be putting more than 70 pounds weight on her left leg yet, so my next reaction (after excitement) was to chastise her for pushing too hard too fast.
The result of rushing the healing process is more sleepless nights, but while her leg screams in protest, once again I am impressed with Kathy's determination.
The big toe on her left foot is trying to pull into a claw.
That makes it hard to go through the motions of walking because the tip of her toe presses into the floor and hurts.
The next step to help her next step is to surgically cut the tendon that is pulling down on her toe.
This is necessary because the tendon that countered the contraction was removed with the muscle loss in the front of Kathy's calf.
Still, with the cut relaxing her toe, Kathy should be able to walk fairly normally.
It's just a few steps now.
Kathy will push it into more than she should.
When a few steps become many, the dancing will begin!
I haven't actually yet seen children dancing everywhere, but I did see Kathy walk a few steps!
I don't know if you heard me right.
I said, "I did see Kathy walk a few steps!"
She isn't supposed to be putting more than 70 pounds weight on her left leg yet, so my next reaction (after excitement) was to chastise her for pushing too hard too fast.
The result of rushing the healing process is more sleepless nights, but while her leg screams in protest, once again I am impressed with Kathy's determination.
The big toe on her left foot is trying to pull into a claw.
That makes it hard to go through the motions of walking because the tip of her toe presses into the floor and hurts.
The next step to help her next step is to surgically cut the tendon that is pulling down on her toe.
This is necessary because the tendon that countered the contraction was removed with the muscle loss in the front of Kathy's calf.
Still, with the cut relaxing her toe, Kathy should be able to walk fairly normally.
It's just a few steps now.
Kathy will push it into more than she should.
When a few steps become many, the dancing will begin!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Like a wilted plant watered
Sometimes I get caught up writing what I think, instead of writing how Kathy is doing.
She is doing great!
If you ask her on a bad day, in a bad moment, she may say otherwise, but truly, Kathy is way ahead of where I thought she'd be by now!
I don't know who said it, but I like the saying, "The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide".
Looking back on it, the lowest point will seem to be not as bad as it was.
Looking back, we already have to look down to see that point.
If you haven't seen Kathy in a while you will be surprised at how well she is doing.
We went out Saturday night.
Crashed a church service and grabbed a bite at Porters.
Stopped in and said Hi to our west coast swing friends and called it a night before watching some local bands (didn't want to press our luck, besides Kathy was feeling a little puny. See last blog.).
Kathy's leg is getting stronger. She uses crutches alot more than the wheel chair. I have a feeling that just down the road you will see Kathy out again, exercising her foot/leg, showing everybody that, despite the pain and frustration, she is as amazing as ever!
She is doing great!
If you ask her on a bad day, in a bad moment, she may say otherwise, but truly, Kathy is way ahead of where I thought she'd be by now!
I don't know who said it, but I like the saying, "The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide".
Looking back on it, the lowest point will seem to be not as bad as it was.
Looking back, we already have to look down to see that point.
If you haven't seen Kathy in a while you will be surprised at how well she is doing.
We went out Saturday night.
Crashed a church service and grabbed a bite at Porters.
Stopped in and said Hi to our west coast swing friends and called it a night before watching some local bands (didn't want to press our luck, besides Kathy was feeling a little puny. See last blog.).
Kathy's leg is getting stronger. She uses crutches alot more than the wheel chair. I have a feeling that just down the road you will see Kathy out again, exercising her foot/leg, showing everybody that, despite the pain and frustration, she is as amazing as ever!
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