just because you can't see the finish line...

...it doesn't mean it's not there.

Kathy has been getting better at using crutches.
Her right ankle still needs ligament repair, so she wears a brace to keep from twisting it and undoing what has mended.
She is spending more time in the office at home, in her wheel chair, on the computer.
Kathy needs butt rubs, from sitting so much (I'm smiling right now).
Kathy's mobility allows her to see all the little stuff that nobody else notices until it's left undone for a long time.
She sees it before people come over and see it.
It's okay though.
It's more "normal" (I am also looking forward to more "normal" work hours).
Having the time again and having the ability again to do things together again and we can be a more "normal" family again.
I know my eternal optimism drives Kathy crazy, but I can envision what the finish line looks like, even though we can't see it.
I would've quit, back when I used to run races, if I couldn't imagine crossing that line and being done!
It felt so good and was so worth it (even if it was only worth it because it meant pushing myself so hard was over,.. for now).
Not to belittle what Kathy is going through, because it is far worse than anything I've experienced.
More often than not, the anticipation of the IDEA of the journey is more difficult than the journey itself.
It can paralyze action.
I am proud of Kathy for not letting that happen.
There is a lot to admire about the way Kathy is tackling her recovery.
It really helps knowing that there IS a finish line.

passion is the giant magnet

The same passion that attracts me to Kathy, also can turn against her.
Bottomless lows versus ultimate highs.
The extremes pull me toward her.
The highs won't ignored.
They demand to be shared.
The lows have demands also.
They demand to be replaced by the highs.

Kathy's life couldn't be made into a movie.
No one would believe it.
No one has this good of luck, or this bad.

If we lived lives without mirrors I could revel in the peaks and canyons with her.
It's when I catch a glimpse of myself, a glimpse of Kathy, living in the uncertiantude, that I wonder how she'll get back from jumping around like a monkey.

Just seeing if you're paying attention.

Kathy hasn't been jumping around like a monkey for awhile now.

My mom always told me that you can't experience the highest highs without experiencing the lowest lows.
I repeated that saying to my boys growing up, but never really grasped it in a real sense, as more than a warning.

Until now.

I crawl down through the muck until I am at Kathy's side and pull her upwards to a place where I am more comfortable seeing her.
A place where the sun shines bright and dries tears.

Icarus flew too high and fell to the earth, but what if he had someone to catch him, so he could try again and again?

My passion is catch Kathy's passion and to feed it until she is able to fly again.

When she flies, I fly.

Distracted for an instant

That's all it took for everything to change.

The last distraction that had this big of an impact was the night of June 12th two years ago.
I was going through life as most any other dude was,
hanging with my bro's (no, I don't really talk like that), coaching sports, working out, working, raising my boys and generally taking life one day at a time.

It wasn't like I was distracted by something in my peripheral vision,
this was in my face, impossible to ignore.
A girl.
Not just any girl.
The cutest cow girl I ever saw!
Little did I know at the time that Kathy was only masquerading as a cow girl
(doing a better job at it than the formerly cutest cow girl could ever hope to).
Since that first meeting I have seen her beautiful incarnations as a hippy love child,
sporty adventurer, hot rock & roll chick, intelligent professional, fearless exhibitionist, fragile Angel, intense competitor, sophisticated classy lady and so much more.
I see Kathy's ability to meet new friends and create a comfort zone for total strangers in minutes.

I'd like to say I saw this possibilty in the instant I was distracted by her, but I didn't.
I just saw bright blue eyes, a fantastic smile and I won't lie, a super sexy Candy Apple Butt
(same as every other dude that saw her).

Distracted for an instant.
It was enough for me!
Still is!
All the other stuff I mentioned above is just a bonus.
Instant distractions usually end up becoming commonplace.
This is an instant of distraction that has never ended.

when you are a super hero

When you are like I am,
used to solving any problems that come your way,
what do you do to keep your edge when things get too easy?
You can add tasks until your ability is stretched thin.
Things like starting a business or getting married.
Being Dad, teaching my boys how to be super hero's too.
You can fall in love with a girl whose expectations are impossible to meet.
You can try not sleeping, then challenge yourself with fixing it all.

Or you can do what I do -
PRETEND to be able to do all these things.
With my super powers, (which I can't tell you about because it would be too easy to deduce my secret identity if you knew what they were) I can bypass normal limitations!
Situations that would defeat the will of most, bounce off of me as minor speed bumps.
How do I do it?!?
I learned to control my power at a young age and now I have truly mastered it.
I can't be brought down by mere stress or worry.
I'm unflappable!
Unrealistically optimistic!
I can't be bothered by things I can't touch.
Can't be controlled by money, guilt or intimidation.
Can't be overburdened because I can do it all!
If I can't do it today, I'll do it tomorrow!
If not THEN, well,..
EVENTUALLY it will get done!

Uh-oh, I just exposed one of my biggest weaknesses:
Overcommitment.
Underestimating time.
Overestimating my ability.
This brings me back to the part about falling in love with a girl whose expectations are impossible to meet.
A girl who ALSO DOES IT ALL (albeit with a slightly higher stress level and seriousness).
Add a catastrophic injury that prevents her from doing these things herself and WHAMMO!
That's all it takes to set the wheels in motion.
Twice the obligations, as I not only do the things I am duty bound to, but add the things she needs ME to do that SHE used to.

Bad guys the world over are preparing to celebrate the fall!
HA! Don't hold your breath waiting cuz  it ain't happenin!

WE'RE STRONGER THAN EVER!!!

Instead of being a hindrance, she makes me stronger!
Who needs super powers when I have a girl like Kathy?
That's right now you know...

KATHY IS MY SUPER POWER SOURCE!!!

Suckerfish.

Today is Kathy's birthday!

I have left her sleeping and have snuck off to the office to write this.
I'm not going to work today (even though I'm buried).
My plan is to give her no time to think about anything except happy things!
The way I have this figured out, you can only be as happy as the person you are in love with, so, since I like to be happy, it's a no brainer!
Kathy must be happy!
No, I don't mean she already is, I mean, Kathy MUST be happy!
As in, it's my goal.
Hopefully my staying home helps (and doesn't have the opposite effect).
I know MY days are better when she is with ME.
Kathy is getting stronger (as everyone at Kristi's wedding saw), but she usually pays for pushing it later.
The news will be consistently better as time allows healing.
You have no idea how badly I want Kathy to be able to look a few months down the road instead of at the immediate path she has to take!
For now, I want to trade the unquiet complications and stress inside Kathy for a beautiful content inner life full of patience and richness.
Though I think that will have to wait for the ability to walk to return, and the uncompromising pain to leave.
It hasn't yet, but Today is still Kathy's birthday!
I'm introducing her to L. Frank Baum in an unusual way! Don't worry, I'm doing something normal too.
I'll find time to write more soon, but right now I'm going to sneak back in before she knows I'm gone.

the secret to our success

Get a demented cat.
Kathy has one.
It's the most fun and frustration you can mix in one cat!

Don't expect anything from anybody. You will never be disappointed that way.
If you ask for a favor and the answer is yes, appreciate it! If the answer is no, don't get mad, it wasn't expected, it was a favor!

Seriously, don't be so serious!
I'm kidding about this!

Well, not the demented cat part, or the part about expectations...

Actually, the secret is to learn something new about each other every day.

If you can't find out something new, then dig deep about yourself and keep the day from being wasted!

Today I told Kathy about sword fighting by Bear Creek with bamboo switches. When I was a young boy I lived in Phoenix (Oregon). It would leave welts and bloody your hands sometimes, but if you won, you could skinny dip with the older girls! We had epic battles!

You know, on second thought, maybe there is something about being mysterious after all.

Okay, new tactic, Discover something new TOGETHER every day!

Time to go.
Right now I have something new to discover with Kathy!

beyond being prepared

Was it Underdog or Mighty Mouse who said,
 "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!!" ?
I'm not sure if it was either one of them actually.

Never been one to wait to be rescued by someone else anyways.

I like to think that if rescuing needs doing, I will be the one doing the rescuing.
Then again, I also like to think that I'll never step in chewing gum again.

What we will do in a situation is a mystery until we are in it.
We all THINK we know what we'll do.

I bring this up because the moment of Kathy's crash was as sickening a moment as I can imagine.
The slow motion of the actions following were even worse.

To revisit, now that Kathy is on her way to recovering the ability to use her right foot (and hopefully eventually her left leg as well), I think of what I could've done differently.

Raising my boys, I could fix anything, holding Kathy on the side of that road, I could fix nothing.

Even now, looking back, I don't know what else could've been done, short of deciding to skip that ride completely.

I  have concluded that there are times when things happen too fast or are too severe for rescue without consequences.

Hope you never have to find out the limits of your ability to fix things.
After the fact, some situations are just not possible to put back in order.

Even for Underdog or Mighty Mouse.

It's the end of the world as we know it

2012
In this new year I hope to find the days to be less short.
It seems the days are always too short for all the thoughts I want to think.
Too short for the one walk I really want to make (with Kathy).
Too short for all the "thank yous" to all the people that help make this world an exciting and beautiful place for Kathy and I.

It's not really a resolution (NOBODY likes those).
Clear intentions.
To get more out of each day.

Kathy has had a super fantastic time these last couple weeks,
with Aunt Tracy decorating our Christmas tree and making dinner,
Jessica making dinner, Guille making dinner, Kristi's wedding dinner...
Wait a minute, I sense a theme here.
I'm pretty sure there is more going on than just dinner!

The pain is still bad at times, but the time between bad is getting longer.
The girls (and Jerome, can't forget to acknowledge all the retirement time he has given to Kathy's days when we are all still working) have been truly timely, sensing when they are needed most.

Hey! Before you go thinking I was going to just breeze over Kristi's big day - What a fun night!
If you were there you know what I'm talking about!
What a way to bring in the new year!
It was crowded on the dance floor, but the partyers gave up space so I could carry Kathy to the floor.
It might've looked a bit awkward, with Kathy's legs dangling (I call it the "Pendulum Dance" or "Bell Ringers Delight").
With her boot on she can put a little weight on her right foot.
It helps that she is so little.
Not to take anything away from Sam & Kristi's night, it was so GREAT to be a part of it!
If they have what Kathy & I have, together, there is nothing that will be able to keep them down!

I would just like to say, in the year the world is predicted to end,
the future is looking brighter than the past!
Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?